I have been thinking about rebirth so much these past few weeks, maybe even months, as the animals of rebirth began appearing for our monthly journeys in the Spring. Jaguar showed up first, the Queen of Shadow work and the one who often appears for dismemberment, then Snake, the shedder of skin and the symbol of transformation, and then in August, Beetle came…a small guide of rebirth who turns literal shit to nourishment, recycling our difficult experiences into powerful spiritual lessons. My personal work with Vulture prepares me, of course, intimately connecting to death and rebirth.
Through this entire process with breast cancer, it has felt like the end of a dis-ease, not the beginning. A personal invitation to be reborn into the healed Angie, the one who has done the work. That might sound strange, but it felt like the culmination of many years of working through trauma, grief, soul loss, and heart chakra imbalances. Like there is this part of you—over the heart, that has manifested cancer in my milk ducts. Interestingly, the cancer developed in a breast I was never able to produce milk out of. That is not exactly true. The milk was produced, but it could not be expressed. (Is that a metaphor or what?) I had a child who died, and I remember how engorged and painful my breasts were, filled with milk and no child to drink. I put huge cabbage leaves on it, until they withered and I smelled like an Eastern European soup. I would cry in the shower as my breasts would weep milk. Except the right one. It would just stay hard and engorged and no milk would weep until it just stopped trying.
During those days, I often thought about this class on Death and Dying in college with one of my mentors Dr. John Raines. He said that babies cry because they know they deserve food, comfort and love. And the cry, he explained, was exactly designed to be uncomfortable for humans, it is a noise we want to stop. It is only when they cry and no one comes that babies stop crying. My breasts were the same. They eventually stopped weeping milk because no baby came to feed.
It is interesting that this tidbit came from a class on Death and Dying. We have those moments we face death both metaphorically and literally. Maybe we survive a great trauma that threatened our life, or we stand and face our demons and get sober, or we ask for a new way to be in the world. In the process of earth medicine initiation, we undergo the process of rebirth through the shamanic experience of dismemberment, where, in the journey state, we literally ask our animals to rip us apart, tearing at us, killing us in journey, so that we may rebirth. With Vulture as my guide, she asked me to release my soul. She could not tear me apart alive. This process of releasing brought up so many emotions and feelings of helplessness that had permeated my life…how do I let go when all I have been doing is holding on tight? It is a zen koan, a paradox for survivors. Somehow I did, though. That is the thing…somehow we do. We do it when the holding on is killing us.
When I had my first chakra balancing many many years ago, my heart was completely closed. The pendulum did not move. It just stood stock still. It disturbed me. I had learned through my many years of life how to shut my heart off. Immediately, the self-punishing thoughts flooded in. “Oh my God, I am broken. My heart is shut. I am a monster.” (This is why I teach my students to be kind and gentle when doing a chakra balancing.) It has been decades-long work to open my heart and to trust people. It was well before I became a healer that I started, but I knew then that the pendulum was telling me something I needed to pay attention to. Opening my heart involved many healers, many therapists, many releases, many times feeling so vulnerable and fearful that I took steps backward and then when I was ready, started back on the path.
I say this because there is no healer that isn’t a wounded healer. Our DNA, our strength as healers comes from our wounds. It comes from our humanness, not our divinity or otherworldliness. While I appreciate there are many who feel shadow work is not as important as light work, I politely, yet adamantly, beg to differ. Any lightwork done without being aware of your wounds ultimately will take you back on the same path again and again. You encounter the same lessons, the same kinds of people (friends, lovers, colleagues, enemies.) Our wounds are invisible blocks that keep us in an eternal loop on the spiritual path, like Sisyphus, the Greek King who cheated death twice and was forced to roll a huge boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down. Sisyphus’s story has come to represent any futile, yet difficult task. Unless, we can identify our own triggers, wounds, and blocks; make them visible then dismantle them, we stay in this endless Sisyphean cycle. This is the rebirth. To simply emerge from the tedious work, to slowly break down that rock, our wounds into smaller pieces, so then we can break that cycle. Then our journey isn't so tedious.
Where shamanic and earth medicine work excel is in the rituals, ceremonies, symbolic work of that rebirth. We call in the snake, the beetle, the vulture to help us find a way to break our cycles. This work is a lifelong process. I have been intimately involved with this trauma work and work around my own heart for so long it is almost comical, but also I didn’t start it to be a good healer or to write a newsletter or blog post. I started it because that heart, the one closed and unable to weep, demanded I look at it. This petulant, hurt child within me said, “I cannot be ignored any longer. I will not be neglected. I need to be loved.” It began crying and I began responding. And in turn, I healed those around me, who tried to get into that closed heart for years.
Self-care and self-love sound like such bullshit terms, but they are juicy, deep, life-altering journeys. They aren’t just bubble baths and dark chocolate and masturbation. Self-love embodies self-compassion, self-care, self-worth, and self-actualization. We must remother ourselves, or refather ourselves. That has been the challenge—seeing and loving myself unconditionally. But when I struggle, I look at my own children and think, "You are just like them--beautiful, perfect, worthy of care."
It is strange to see my body without breasts. I don't NOT like it. It is just an adjustment. I am almost starting to like it more. I have been trying to take some time with no bra and no shirt to just get used to how I look now—a huge scar running across the place where my babies suckled. My belly sticks out like a big Buddha belly and my chest goes in, almost concave. Right now it is all puckered and there are major folds in it that are angry and tight. They will soften over time. Just like the other scars I have healed in my life—things soften with time. I can honestly say that I feel complete, even without my breasts. This body does not seem ugly, or unlovable, or unworthy at all. It is simply an adjustment.
This is what healing gives you—unconditional radical self-acceptance. I have been working on it for years by demanding I love myself. I thought that if I just said it enough, wrote it out on enough intentions, it would happen, but the truth is—that isn't what did it. You are not in control of the healing timeline. It is something you cannot fake. You simply love yourself until you are willing to accept the love. That's the thing--for me, self-love was about accepting the love, not giving it. Giving love was easy for me, but accepting it was a whole other thing altogether. You become gentle with your inner voice. One day something weird happens—you get diagnosed with breast cancer, or your partner leaves you, or you notice that your face is wrinkled and your hair grey, or you break something valuable and through this long rebirthing process you realize you aren't mad at you, or disappointed, or embarrassed, or ashamed. You stand tall and you say, “Yep, that is me, still me, still the same me as yesterday, still worthy of love and acceptance. I love you. You got this, kid.”
You got this, kid. I love you.
Episode 3: the Minister & the Shaman with Reverend Howard West
I am so honored to share this conversation with my friend and spiritual advisor Rev. Howard West. Howard is an ordained Presbyterian Minister with at Masters of Divinity from Princeton Theological Seminary and he specializes in geriatric spiritual care, dementia, end-of-life care and caregiver support. He has served for more than 15 years as Executive Director of Spiritual Life Services of Country Meadows Retirement Communities. Howard is also a trained counselor with a Master’s degree in Counseling from the University of Pittsburgh with almost three decades of experience collaborating with self-help groups that address family and relationship problems, addiction/codependency, depression and other mental health issues. Howard has a B.A. in East Asian Studies (China specialization) from Penn State University, is fluent in Mandarin Chinese and is a daily practitioner of Chinese martial arts including Taichi. He also has a long-term interest in eastern spirituality and its impact on physical, emotional and spiritual health. When Howard and I met, his first question to me was, “Are you a shaman?” From there, we became fast friends. Our spiritual connection runs deep, always coalescing in discussions about how much we actually have spiritually in common. I once said to him, we should really have a podcast called “the Minister and the Shaman” where we answer questions from people and I admit that when I started this podcast, I immediately thought of Howard and some of our amazing conversations about spirituality, religion, trauma, psychological issues, & emotional sobriety. I consider Howard to be one of the most important spiritual advisors, influences, and friends. We have birded together, as Howard has an uncanny ability to be observant and aware in nature. No mistake that he is an avid outdoorsman and nature photographer. His connection to the Earth and nature is profound and humbling. I’m so honored to have this as one of many conversations we will have together, so here is my conversation with Reverend Howard West.
Distance Healing
Throughout the pandemic, healers have had to dig deep into new ways of serving our people and communities. In the last few weeks, I have had a phone call with my rheumatologist, sent photos of my skin to my dermatologist, had a telehealth video appointment with my therapist, had a distance psychic reading with an amazing reader in Colorado, attended twelve step meetings online, and all kinds of new, different ways of connecting with my healing team. As energy healers, we are taught that energy transcends time and space. Distance healing usually is part of our training. As a Reiki practitioner, we use the distance healing symbol to create an etheric tube to send healing to a time, person, place or event. We can work with the past, present or future.
Energy healers work with energy (duh). Energy is not bound by the three-dimensional experience. As a shamanic practitioner, I use the journey state to access a dimension that exists simultaneously with other times. The journey world powerfully goes beyond what we can see. We call it the Non-Ordinary Reality. Shamanic States of Consciousness or Trance state is access to enter NOR where I can see the body and work with guides to heal spiritual, mental, physical and emotional issues. It’s incredibly powerful to do this work. I know I lose people when I start talking about this. It sounds so woo-woo and far-out. But I can assure you that you do this already through prayer, sending healing or love, focusing energy toward someone far away (including in the past or in the future).
I have been working with Distance healing since I started my practice and have clients all around the world and country. I have developed some really specific ways to connect with clients. I was incredibly honored to be asked by my mentor Hibiscus Moon to teach a class at Hibiscus Moon Crystal Academy on Distance Healing called Distance Healing Logistics. This is designed for energy healers of any background or modality to learn some techniques for offering distance healing to clients. Particularly important during this time of social distancing.
I offered this live on May 12, but you can now buy the recorded class and all the information I researched for this class through Hibiscus Moon Crystal Academy.
Distance Healing Logistics
Through that class, I offered a one-to-many model of distance healing and provided a beautiful healing with Mother Earth. During that, I used my beautiful distance healing proxy grid board that I designed. I have been using proxy boards for many many years. I have a woodworking husband who always has told barn wood in the barn, then I wood burn the design on reclaimed barn wood. I love combining artwork and working with my hands with my healing work. Well, people were asking me where I got this board, and would I sell one, and I thought about it. My husband and I decided to put these up, and we are selling out faster than we can make them. I have a few in my shop now, if you are interested.
Distance Healing Proxy Board 18” X 18”
Distance Healing Proxy Grid Board 18” x 9” (look around because I also have some Live Edge pieces which are absolutely gorgeous!)
I also offer distance healing sessions and tarot readings too.
Hope you enjoy them!
Mothering Grief and Humanizing Healing: A podcast convo with the Biz Bruja
Though I live in the middle of Pennsylvania, we have some amazing healers, practitioners and leaders in the global psychic and healing community. I work alongside one of the strongest channelers of energy with my healing companion Sharon Muzio, the owner of Alta View Wellness Center. Sharon leads the Spirit of Oneness Holistic Expo too, which is the largest spiritual gathering we have in Harrisburg. Vanessa and I are both present in this circle. We mention Sharon in this episode, so just want to give her a shout-out. Because Vanessa touches on this a bit in the beginning, we live in a community that feels small compared to New York City, but we have a vibrant community of gifted healers here. And the beautiful thing about being in a smaller community is that we find each other—the brujas and curanderas and mystics and medicine people.
When Vanessa Codorniu came to one of my circles, her dynamic, earnest energy lit up the room. She had been working in the huge community of New York City doing shamanic work, psychic work and ancestral healing. She had just moved to our community, and we have been fan-girling each other ever since. I take her circles. She takes mine. I have been blessed to have her in my circle of friends and healer colleagues. She is a gifted practitioner, circle leader, psychic and more. This conversation was so rich and expansive. it is because we speak the same language. She is not afraid of a little shadow and magick. She had interviewed me for this podcast in December, so pre-COVID-19. I want to say that because we mention nothing about what is happening in the world. I think we would have a very different conversation today. But I love the conversation we did have. We had some connectivity issues, so if you hear a blip or two, it clears up in a second.
I hope you enjoy this conversation with me and Vanessa. Let me know what you think by dropping a comment below, or sending me an email at angie@themoonandstone.com.